Thursday, January 30, 2014

How to be miserable in New York State

            Exactly how easy is it to be miserable in New York State? A front-page article in the Malone Palladium explained that it was extremely easy back when the article first appeared, on January 28, 1869. Would the same tips that the Palladium said worked 145 years ago work as well today? Read on and decide for yourself:
    “Sit by a window and look over the way to your neighbor's excellent mansion, which he has recently built and paid for, and fitted out. ‘Oh, that I were a rich man.’
    Get angry with your neighbor, and think you have not a friend in the world.

    Shed a tear or two, and take a walk in the burial ground, continually asking yourself: ‘When shall I be buried here?’
    Sign a note for a friend, and never forget your kindness, and every hour in the day whisper to yourself, ‘I wonder if he will ever pay that note?’
    Think everybody means to cheat you. Closely examine every bill you take and doubt its being genuine until you have put our neighbor to a great deal of trouble. Put confidence in no body, and believe every man you trade with to be a rogue.
    Never accommodate, if you can possibly help it.
    Never visit the sick, or afflicted, and never give a cent to assist the poor.
    Buy as cheap as you can, and screw down to the lowest mill. Grind the faces and the hearts of the unfortunate.

    Brood over your misfortunes, your lack of talents, and believe that at no distant day you will come to want. Let the work house be ever in your mind, with all the horrors of distress and poverty.
    Follow these receipts strictly, and you will be miserable to your heart's content. Nothing will cheer or encourage you, nothing will throw a gleam of sunshine or ray of warmth into your heart.”


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